Baby Steps Back

I haven't wanted to pick up my camera

the past couple of weeks.

Taking pictures has been the last thing on my mind.

Go figure, huh?

And then I remembered....

it was my sweet mama who, those many months ago,

took such unbridled joy at being able to help me

purchase my exorbitantly expensive big girl camera.

Each time I've had my photos published,

she has beamed with joy.

She even has a little mini-shrine of sorts set up

in her tiny apartment, filled with copies of the magazines

my work has been featured in.

She has been so proud of me,

and has been such a huge part of everything I've been able

to accomplish .

Mama, 

these pictures I snapped today are for you.

Love,

“So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. 

Today’s trouble is enough for today.” { Matthew 6:34 }

 

 

The Good, The Bad and the Whole Shebang

I wish I had pretty pictures to share.

News about my latest photography exploits,

or a really killer estate sale I stumbled upon this weekend.
Something light and frivolous and mindless.

Nope, I got none  of that for you.

So if you're looking for happy and cheery and all that jazz,

you best move along, because this isn't the blog for you right now.

My mom has inoperable ovarian cancer,

and I've spent the past week in the big city hospital at her bedside

following major surgery.

I'm a medical person myself, as most of you know, so it's a mixed blessing

knowing a bit more than the average bear when the roles are reversed.

I know when things are going right, 

but I also know when things aren't.

We've had a bit of both.

Because a lot of you might not have read my Facebook updates,

I'm compiling them for you here, in chronological order.

They may seem a bit disjointed, but 

maybe this will fill in the blanks for the concerned and the curious,

and will serve to explain why I haven't made this blog a priority of late.

Asking for prayers for a grave situation.  August 24 at 7:45pm via mobile

My mother has agreed to get treatment tomorrow. Please continue to pray for her, of course...but pray also that I can hold it together for her sake. I've already broken down completely several times today.  August 25 at 6:45pm via mobile

She is sicker than ever this morning and once again refusing to go to the hospital. I am frantic, please pray.  August 26 at 7:36am via mobile

 FINALLY got her to agree to go to the ER, we are there now. Thanks for all your prayers. August 26 at 11:27am via mobile

The news from the ER was not good at all. I just ask that you pray for peace for my mother and strength for me. I feel very much in shock tonight.  August 26 at 7:30pm via mobile

I held it all together until 4am, and then it all hit me. The tears flowed, the fear became palpable. Please God, help me to be strong for her tomorrow and every day she has left. August 27 at 4:36am via mobile

A very long day, but we now have a plan. Major surgery scheduled for Tuesday, please continue to pray that my mom feels the presence of Christ. Thank you all so much for all your prayers thus far. August 27 at 6:58pm via mobile

The fear I've been feeling for my mom had gotten better, but today it is back with a vengeance. Feeling nauseated, not sure I can do this. She had another horrible night, and has to undergo a grueling pre-op surgical prep today for surgery tomorrow. Got to keep it together for her sake. August 29 at 10:06am

She doesn't want any information about the extent of her disease from the doctor. She is in complete and total denial and is looking to me to make all the decisions about her treatment. This is so not like her...and I am completely overwhelmed and exhausted. August 29 at 5:02pm via mobile

I'm unable to keep up with all the correspondence and questions right now, just know that your prayers are very much appreciated. Her surgery is at 5pm today. August 30 at 8:39am via mobile

The early report back from the OR is not good at all...  August 30 at 7:34pm via mobile

She is in ICU this morning. They could only get so much of the cancer, there is much more they couldn't get. She has a horribly difficult road ahead of her and I'm not sure how much time we have left with her. Please continue to pray, above all for peace for my precious mama. Wednesday at 11:34am via mobile

She is off the vent, taking ice chips and occasionally teasing her nurses. I don't think she yet fully realizes the extent of her disease or the incredibly hard road ahead. It's still too soon to hit her with all of that. Plus, she's in for an incredibly painful procedure tomorrow when they change her wound VAC.
Still, she is alive. And where there is life, there is hope. Thank you Lord, for both. Wednesday at 10:59pm via mobile

A little bit of a rough day. She was supposed to he transferred out of the surgical ICU today, but she needed to be heavily medicated in order to tolerate a very painful procedure. Hence, she's still out and sleeping it off now.
I do alright most of the time, but every once in awhile, the sheer enormity of all of this just smacks me in the ass. This is one of those times. Thursday at 5:08pm via mobile

My mom had a rough morning. Very confused due to the pain meds, pulled out her NG tube, begging me to take her home. She may be transferred out of ICU today, and according to the nurse, someone will need to stay in her room with her tonight. I was prepared to stay, but an angel ( her adopted RN son Tom ) volunteered to stay instead. My gosh, I just need out of this hospital for one night, does that make me a horrid person??? Yesterday at 12:49pm via mobile

I'm on my way home now for the first time in a week. They sat my mom up in bed for the first time before I left, and they might move her out of the SICU tomorrow. She is still critically ill, still full of inoperable cancer, but I give thanks to God for these little victories. Yesterday at 9:15pm via mobile

For those of you who have walked the walk I am on now, what is the hardest part of the day? For me, it's that moment when I first open my eyes and realize that it's morning and there's another day to face. My heart starts racing and I realize that it all wasn't a bad dream. Peace comes at night, when I can close my eyes and escape, if only for a bit. 15 hours ago via mobile

Today was a mixed bag. She was sweet, loving, appreciative and grateful this morning and afternoon. We had great visits, and then we left for Mass and dinner. When we came back she was angry and confused and wouldn't make eye contact with me. It's the morphine, I realize that, but it's always better to end the day on a happy note. Thanks so much to all of you for praying and being there for me. 2 hours ago via mobile

 

And there you have it.

My week in a nutshell. 

Can I ever repay the countless hundreds of you who have left me

words of comfort and strength?

Probably not.
Heck, I can't even make the rounds to thank you each personally.

But just know this...

I have heard you.

And it's made a difference.

One Day at a Time

My mom had her surgery last night,
and things are still very precarious as we speak.

The extent of the cancer was widespread, and the future
is uncertain and daunting to say the least.

Without my faith and your prayers, I would have
fallen apart a long time ago.
So thank you...so inadequate
but that says it all.

Hug someone you love today...
Call your mom...
Don't take the gift of time for granted.

With love,
Anne

Update on My Mama

{ my mama }

Those of you who are my Facebook friends have followed along

this past week, and have so generously offered

your prayers and kind words...you have no idea at all how much

comfort we have derived from these, so thank you and bless you all.

I have run the entire gamut of emotions the past few days...

fear, panic, grief, anxiety, confusion, compassion, gratitude,

and ultimately...hope.

She is scheduled for surgery Tuesday.

This is no minor thing, and she is extremely fragile.
There are no promises or guarantees,
but it's the best option we have.

I'm struggling to stay strong, but stay strong I must. She needs this from me.

So, please...if I could ask...

continue to pray.

With much, much love,

A Grateful Heart

There are no words to express

how grateful I am for each and every one of you,

for your kindness with regards to my mother.

I am traveling in unfamiliar territory these days,

and so many of you have offered a prayer,

a kind word, and have just let me know that you understand.

It's a lot less frightening when you know that you're not alone.

It means so much to me, more than you know,

and I will be slowly but surely making my way over

to say thank you to all of you very soon.

Until then,

The Circle

I've been pondering the circle of life of late...

the seasons we pass through, the ages and stages

and milestones which mark and imprint our lives.

I am part of what some have labeled the sandwich generation...

that age where we are raising children, and simultaneously

starting to worry about aging parents.

Well, yeah...
if we had ever been able to actually have  kids, I suppose.
That ship has sailed.

But the age remains the same, 

and the aging parents thing is looming large.

Objects in my rearview mirror are most definitely

larger than life, and approaching with what feels

like breakneck speed.

What if I'm not ready for them, though? The changes.

"la,la,la, I can't hear you" only works for so long, you know.

There is a beauty to the changing of the seasons,

to newness and rebirth, but a hesitancy and a denial almost 

of what must precede it...

there has to be a Good Friday 

before an Easter Sunday, after all.

A constant theme of late is the passage of time,

the ruthless, mercenary, onward march of life...

Days into weeks,

youth into middle age,

the cared for becoming the caretaker.
Cruel and inevitable, as day passes into night.

My faith has been shelved of late, but it's time to retrieve it.
The journey demands it,
and  I can't see myself
navigating these waters without it...

not with any degree of success, or...peace.

"Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant us peace in our day.
In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety..."

Yeah, God.
I give a hearty amen to all of that, but always feel that last part
is aimed squarely at me.

And so the wheels turn.
Slowly, steadily, fatefully.
The circle is formed, and a new season begins.

P.S.
please keep my mom in your prayers

"New and Improved"?

Originally posted August, 2009

I recently scored an absolutely amazing vintage china cabinet

at a local flea market...to say I got it for a song would be a gross understatement.

It was such a steal that I even felt a momentary twinge of guilt

as I loaded up my treasure, knowing full well that what I got for a mere $85(!)

was going for upwards of $600 just a few blocks away at the chi-chi antique stores in town.

Upon getting it home and placing it in the kitchen corner,

I began to fill my newfound gem with wedding china and household wares

procured two years ago, but heretofore unpacked.

Hooray, I thought!

At last, a fitting showcase for my shiny, new Calphalon,

my glistening Corningware, my sparkling ivory Mikasa.

The new juxtaposed against the old,

the timeless contrasting sharply with the transient.

Would my designer label china have looked any more elegant

displayed in a modern, new Ethan Allen piece?

Some might say yes.

But like so many of you, the inherent beauty in what others

might perceive as junk is this:
my chippy, peeling, flea-market find has lived a life.
Not to anthropomorphize, but it has tales to tell.

Each chip, each dent, each coffee-stain ring speaks to an existence

foreign to my own, yet strangely similar.

Utilitarian practicality is now sharing the stage with stylistic functionality,
but to us junkers, the beauty has always been evident,

even if Farmer Jones and the Missus might not have fully

recognized it before relegating it to the storage shed.

Yes, my pristine Mikasa serving pieces

have a resplendence all their own,

but they have yet to live a life.

They still have much to learn from the wisened old veteran

which provides them harborage.

I'm hoping they will confer, as we would all be wise to do

in our own small corners of the world, be they kitchen or otherwise.

*** this is a re-post from August 2009***