If you've persevered and trudged through my past two days worth of posts, you'll know that I need a little levity in the worst way possible. In short, I need a good laugh.
This is where you come in.
In my comments section, post your very best jokes. Long or short, corny or erudite, it doesn't matter a lick, just help me to crack a grin, emit a chuckle, blow milk outta my nose...
To make it fun, I'll select the one that tickles my funny bone the most, and at the end of the day (12/28/09), will select a winner.
I'll send ya a little sumpin' sumpin' via the USPS for your trouble if I choose you! Nothing grand, just fun.
Nope, no names drawn out of a hat, no random number generator, this is one contest where you have to earn your spoils!
The past few days has been either laugh or cry, and I choose to laugh.
Help me pulverize these lemons here into somethin' drinkable!
Posts
39 comments:
How cute is this!!!! Okay, I may be a Cajun and we definitely have some pretty good jokes, but I am THE WORST joke teller. I always seem to get so excited when telling the joke and laughing so hard because only I know what is coming---that somehow I lose everyone else and miss the punch line. But, I did want to tell you how adorable these are!!! xo...deb
OK, so, I'm Irish..can you tell?
Two English businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon to be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Irish accent asked "What are you selling' here ?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well ... Only two left!" !!!
Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with Irishmen!
Okay, I don't have a joke but I found this link the other day which made me laugh, go check it out! www.sketchysantas.com
Are you serious? My entire life is a joke!
smiLes
LiBBy BuTTons
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
...hope your feeling better Anne wink~
tootles,
bunny
A couple is visiting another couple. The women are in the kitchen and the two old guys are in the parlor. One man says, "Last week we went to that new restaurant. The other man asks, "What was the name of it?" He hesitates and replies, "What's that flower you give to someone you care about and it has thorns?" The o...ther says, "That would be a rose." The man shouts, "Rose, what's the name of that new restaurant?"
A knitting joke for you, my friend...
So this blonde was driving down the highway - knitting at the same time - and driving erratically, at that.
A cop pulls up next to her and yells, "Pull over!" To which the blonde replies, "No, Cardigan!"...
(insert drums here...ba dum bum)
Love,
Donna
Anne, if you didn't laugh at my last post then nothin' will do it! ha ha, love ya sweetie!
Debra
This is the one my kids used to tell me to cheer me up.
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
(That's the best I've got!) :)
Hope each day gets easier for you.
Okay Anne, here's two "cracks" to go with your two angels at the top of the post...
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Oh honey, please don't cry!
Cheesy, I know!
What do gay horses eat?
Haaaaaaaayyyyy!
Feel better!
Anna
You have to read The Big Chill post ... and know that it's a true story.
http://fairfieldhousenj.com/2009/11/30/the-big-chill/
Deborah
I am sorry that you are going through such a horrible time right now.
I am awful at telling jokes. Simply awful! I always ruin them. So, I am going to tell you to run out and buy Jim Gaffigan's DVD Beyond the Pale. I always laugh. or just you tube him or some Will Farrell videos. You will laugh.
Here's to laughing until your sides hurt!
Michelle
Hi Anne, Ok!! here it goes " What goes "Moof Moof"
A Cow with bucked teeth!!
Ok!!! What goes "nork nork"
A pig with a hair lip!!
I hope you laughed a little, Prayers to you for your loss. Smiles and hugs, Carol
Now Anne.. what a great idea.. laughter heals the soul and the body.. so let's get you going..
I will tell you up front that one night in bed just before Christmas hubs and I were gabbin as usual..and in popped this joke.. well a riddle of some sorts.. and you must keep in mind that I'm soo very awful at telling jokes and that everything comes out backwards.. so here goes..
What do you get when you toast a marshmallow?
A Krispy Kreme
which is a doughnut.. blonde I know.. but hey it just came to me out of the blue.
with love my dear..
~Olivia
okies okies.. so one more..
what has happen to the lost cows?
so far nobody's herd
ooch.. ya know I'm blonde.. give me a break here .. tell me to stop while I'm a head..
with love
~Olivia
story goes that perhaps tiger woods should have been more like santa and stopped with 3 hos ...
ho ho ho ...
love ya'
troy
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow! that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The man replies, Yeah, well were were married for 35 years."
I hope this brings a small smile to your face. I am not good at jokes... LYLAS
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so
well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride
broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful
in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The
wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have
a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are
you ready for this?
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
............ ............
..............
Oh for
goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Sounds to me like she's ....... !
......been ....sweeping around!!!
hehehe!
I know these past few days have been very difficult. I wish I had the funniest joke to tell you to make you laugh till tears run down your checks, but alas I'm a horrible joke teller. My favorite is:
Want to hear a dirty joke??
White horse falls in a mud puddle!!!
Why this cracks me up I'll never know but it does. Bless you and keep laughing!
Huggs.............Linda
Anne,
I am so sorry to hear about your friend. That kind of violence is impossible to understand. I am all tapped out on jokes but I loved reading the ones here and I think you are just so clever to think of a way to manage your sorrow. Keep that chin up!
two old ladies were out for a drive ... the lady driving kept running red lights ... one after the other after the other ...finally the passenger lady explodes and asks ...why are you running the red lights ...you're going to kill us both ...to which the driver lady asks ...oh, am I driving?"
all of these comments should make your day ...I thot they were all hysterical!!
Most of mine aren't clean or are way too long. Hmmm.
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind before he's smashed on your windshield? His BUTT!
Lets see I used this one at work and I too am not good at telling jokes but when I say this most of the time I am serious
At the Sheriffs dept, I overheard the dispatcher admit to another dispatcher, "I haven't taken my vitamins today. I'm walking around unprotected."
Then Ms Pearl says to them, "I haven't taken my Prozac today—everyone's walking around unprotected"
Ok your suppose to laugh now
Maggie
Lots of good jokes, what fun. I don't have a joke, but my husband received a white elephant gift that made me laugh so hard I was crying. It's a daily calendar called "What is your poo telling you?" I learned that there is such a thing as a poonami (poo-nah-mee), which is when the conents of a diaper become to great to be held by mere plastic and silicone. These contents then exit the diaper up the back and down the legs of the wearer.
Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them and says, "Before you can get into Heaven, you need to answer a question". To the first nun he says, "What was the name of the first man?", and the first nun says, "Adam"; "okay, you're in", says St. Peter.
To the second nun he asks, "What was the name of the first woman?". The second nun replies, "Eve"; "okay, come in", says St. Peter.
To the third nun, St. Peter says, "Since you are the Mother Superior, your question will be a little more difficult. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?". The Mother Superior said, "Hmmm, that's a hard one!". St. Peter says, "Right. You're in!".
{I may give you another if I can remember the middle part}. Hope you're feeling better! : )
A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor to go over some tests he had done. The doctor tells the man that he is very ill but assures him that things can be done to help him, and asks to speak to the wife separately. So the husband leaves and goes to wait in the car.
The doctor says to the wife, "The only way your husband will survive is if you do everything he asks of you ~ make all his favorite foods every day; have sex with him whenever he wants; never tell him that he's wrong; let him watch all the sports he wants." The wife nods and leaves the doctor's office.
As she gets into the car, her husband asks, "What did the doctor say?" and she replies, "You're going to die."
well, here's a true story. and i should not even be putting it here for the public. my grandson, who is 11 got long johns for christmas from his other grandma. he put the underwear on and will use them for both underewear and long johns. he was sitting in the chair and said, now i look just like grandpa solsrud, but his 7 yr old sister spoke up and said, oh no you don't not sucking your thumb and picking your nose. :) :) :) i couldn't resist, sorry,will. Bestest,Denise
So a lady was driving through the desert on her way home from a business trip and she passes an old Navajo woman walking along the road. She backed up and asked her if she would like a ride. The old woman gladly got in the front seat. Driving along in silence, the old woman nodded askingly at a brown paper bag on the seat between them. The lady said, "That's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The old woman nodded knowingly and said, "Ah, good trade."
You are in my thoughts and prayers! It will soon be a new year and many wonderful things will happen!
Amy
anne, if any or all of these made you laugh, that's what we wanted you to do. hope these help.
Bestest, Denise
Hi Anne, Thank you for purchasing the Lollipop Box. Now here is my best joke! I hope it makes you laugh.
A lady goes into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she has a problem. She explains the problem to the doctor and he prescribes suppositories. One week later, she comes back to the doctor and tells him she needs more. He says "How can you need more, what the hell have you been doing, eating them?" She says "What the hell do you think I've been doing with them shoving them up my ass?"
xo Cathy
Oh my . . . all those jokes were so cute. Some pretty darn funny. I'm HORRIBLE at telling jokes - the ones I can remember anyway. So no joke from me. Just wanted to pop in to see if you're feeling better. You're on the right track, for sure! :o)
Carla
Not a joke... but it made me chuckle... hope you get a laugh from it!
Twas the night before Christmas,
I'm glued to the tree.
I'm wondering what Santa brought just for me.
Could it be cardstock or ink pads or lace?
Or some stamps, I said, with a smile on my face.
And that's when I heard him ... "Hi Santa" I said
He replied, "You know ... good girls should be in their beds".
"I know I should Santa and now I've been caught.
But I was just so excited to see what you brought"
"Well, let's take a look in this room where you work".
He shook his head quickly, and left with a jerk.
I heard him exclaim as he put it in gear.
"You've got enough crap, I'll see you next year!
Okay...I already have afew favorites. But I guarantee you that I've chuckled at pretty much all of these! It's really done me a world of good, THIS is why I could never give up blogging!
Keep 'em coming! You never know who else you might be cheering up out there. :-)
XO,
Anne
It's late and I don't have any funny jokes to tell, but hopefully letting you know that I'm thinking of you will make you smile. Hang in there, girl. It sounds like it has been one heck of a rough week....I can't even begin to imagine your pain. Take care, and know that you are loved!
Polly
Oh MY! I am laughing and girl, I've had a horrible week too. I never remember jokes, but this blog story about Julie will make you laugh...www.adayinthewife.blogspot.com...Hugs and a better week ahead....
Well, this joke was told to me by my Grandmother when I was 16 years old ~ She said Judi, do you know why women have two sets of lips? Of course I turned red with embarrasment and said "Huh" ~ It's so we can piss and moan at the same time! Hope it's not too X-Rated, but it still makes me laugh 30 years later!!
I'm a blonde so I can share this one . . .
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said "Your finger is broken."
Anne, hope your spirits are improving. Laughter is the bet medicine!
Hugs to you ~ Sarah
Good ones!! This has brought many smiles this morning, I will have to think on it...get back at ya later...a good thing though,,I just bought your Ballet Jewlery Box. It is for my sis,,her birthday is the 10th. I hope you can get it out fast!
Love
Marcie
Hi there!! The joke I am about to tell you comes from
my Mom who will be 90 years young this coming February.
A joke from the 1940's....
A young woman gets
into a taxi cab
All she is wearing
is a "Raisin"
in her navel!!
After a while
the cab driver
notices she
is moving
around
quite a bit
in the
back seat,
he asks her...
Lady is there
anything wrong??
She says "Yes"
I have lost my
"Costume"
The cab driver
says well what were
you going as?
She says a
"Raisin Bun"
He says
Oh well no problem
just go in
"Backwards"
and you can be A
"Parker House Roll"!!!
TAA DAA !!!!!! :D
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