a blinding light or pitch darkness
no shadows here
So when I
burn out
I tend to go down in flames.
As far as I know, I'm not manic depressive or bipolar,
but I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest
if I found out that I was.
I am a woman of extremes.
Maddening, frustrating, oft-times debilitating
extremes.
And lately?
The extremes have taken a hard toll.
I've tried to blame it on blogging,
but blogging is hardly to blame...
the fault lies with the woman composing this post.
I flamed out, pure and simple.
Hit the proverbial wall.
The past year, I have dropped the ball on many things of great importance.
My family.
My faith.
Responsibilities
and
commitments.
And all because I couldn't find
balance
peace
and
harmony.
I felt as though I had to do it all,
and that I had to do it
perfectly.
I have failed myself,
my family,
my God,
and in some ways,
many of you.
I've contemplated deleting this blog...
just going
poof
and disappearing from your blog rolls
without warning..
But isn't that just like me?
Little Miss All-or-Nothing?
Instead of scaling back,
taking a breather
and actually learning how to bring
order and balance
to my life,
I opt for the dramatic choice.
And in some ways, the easy choice.
It's always easier to curl up in a ball in the corner
rather than
facing and conquering your demons head-on.
Easier, but ultimately it's a choice which leads to a sort of death....
maybe not a literal death, but one where your spirit
withers and dies.
Not a choice I want to make.
Not now.
Not ever.
The problems and demons I've been dealing with
are not ones I wish to share.
They are deeply personal,
and some are pretty big...
but they are not too big for God to handle,
if I will just let Him in again.
It's a time of re-building...
my relationships with my family,
my God,
and even with myself.
Re-learning how to love myself,
when I haven't really felt very lovable at all.
I'm tippy-toe-ing back into the blogging world.
With a humble and grateful heart,
and with a healthy dose of fear, too...
Fear that I won't find that balance,
and will flame out once again.
But I love the relationships I've formed in this blogging world
so very, very much...
y'all are my heart, and I miss you.
And you are worth the effort.
Love,