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Sunday, February 28, 2016

The Shift

Defying conventional wisdom. 
Not every blog post is required to boast a pretty picture. 
Or any picture at all, for that matter. 

When I entered blogging in 2009, 
I came in as a writer, and somehow ended up a photographer. 
I was winging it, as I was still seeking to find my blogging voice. 
Seven years later, I'm having a full-circle moment 
as once again, I'm in search of my voice. 
Not with regards to blogging, but as part of the bigger picture:


What mattered and who I was seven years ago 
have undergone a dramatic shift. 
Such is the case with late bloomers, I suppose. 
And the questions need answering and addressing, 
as much as I try and avoid them. 

My purpose:
What am I supposed to do? 
Big question, one I've been avoiding for ages. 
Just when I think I've got it figured out, 
I have a great big "nope" moment, re-calibrate, 
and set my course down another path. 

My priorities:
What comes first? 
What should be held onto and what must be sacrificed? 
Another question I had hoped would answer itself. 
The signs have always been there, plain as day, 
faith and family. Why then have I chosen to ignore them? 

My peace:
Where do I derive this from? 
Is what I'm doing fostering a sense of peace? 
And if I have to even ask this question, 
don't I already know the answer? 

And here's where I either cut my own creative throat, 
or feel a sense of liberation so exhilarating 
that I honestly don't give a flip about the fall-out. 

I no longer sense that I'm on the right path. 
That my primary expression of the heart, 
creatively or otherwise, is meant to be manifested 
via my photography. 

The shift has occurred. 

My priority, my purpose, and my peace 
are conveniently located in the same place, 
and via the same means....
my faith.

I've neglected to the point of rejection 
this basic truth, that only via my faith 
and only through Christ will I receive the answers 
and the peace that I've been lacking.   

In the wake of losing my mom in 2011, 
I climbed on the treadmill and haven't 
jumped off since. Burying myself in more work 
than I could realistically handle. 
It was a means of avoidance, 
and if I'm being truthful, there was a lot of ego involved. 

I always felt that if I could reach a certain level of "success",
if I could see my work in print "X" number of times, 
that I'd feel satiated. And to some extent, it worked, 
but only for a little while. 
With each project, I felt an internal sense 
of unrest building inside me. 
What once gave me a sense of worth 
now gave me the sense of being enslaved. 

Keep churning out content, 
stay in the public eye,
stay relevant,
stay "out there" lest you be forgotten.

What a load of misguided crap. 

I've felt it coming for a really long time now, 
the shift. 
The moving away from the superficial 
and the superfluous, and towards the only source 
of true purpose and peace. 

To most, it's been an imperceptible shift. 
People have noticed that I'm accepting less photography gigs. 
I've taken on quite a few rather reluctantly, recognizing that 
although I never gave less than 100%, 
that I was sacrificing something far more valuable 
than another byline or the money. 

I'm finding my way largely in the dark most days... 
knowing the source of the light, 
but traveling a maze-like path to get there. 
Oh, I'll get there, don't you worry. 
The sign-posts are there, I just have to 
break through the haze to find them. 
A clear mind and a pure heart 
are the surest ways I know to lift the fog. 

Time to stop talking and start doing. 

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